My ex-boyfriend won't leave me alone. For the record, we broke up in March. We have now been broken up longer than we ever dated.
After we broke up he would call every Sunday. I was usually in the FLETC computer lab in the afternoon so I wouldn't answer. He would call every half hour until I did.
In May I told him he couldn't call me for two months because he was obviously not getting over our relationship. And he was ruining my Sunday. I would wake up with a dark cloud over me, knowing I would have to talk to him. (Thinking that I would have to talk to him when I didn't want to is an example of me trying to be a nice person. Girls are taught to be nice, to let guys off easy, not to crush them.)
In June he sent me an email asking if he could buy me a laptop for my birthday. No!
On my birthday he sent me a text, "Happy Birthday, Baby." Excuse me? He has no right to call me that!
In July, I was living without cell service at my house in West Virginia. It must have been when the two month moratorium was over. I had at least half a dozen missed calls from him before I sent him a text telling him to stop trying to call me, I didn't have service.
Also in July he asked if he could come visit. WHAT?!?!! First, I was in field training. Even if we were dating I wouldn't want to be distracted. Most importantly, we weren't dating! Why would I want to see him except to punch him in the mouth as soon as he tried to get all touchy-feely?
In September, when I got done with training, the calls started again. I didn't answer. He sent an email begging for an update, a message that he would treasure forever. Telling me that if I gave him another chance he'd be better. I told him to leave me alone, I am seeing other people and I've moved on with my life.
Last month I made the mistake of answering the phone when he called. Just the sound of his voice made me angry. He wanted to rehash our entire, rotten relationship. He wanted to know about the guy I'm dating (I didn't tell him I'm "going on dates," not "dating."). I told him it's none of his business. He made some comment about how he wondered if he should have told me not to go to FLETC. I started to laugh at the thought of how pissed off I'd have been if some guy who I'd known for all of 6 months had tried to tell me to give up my livelihood, the thing that puts food on my table, the job I've tried very hard to get and to do well... Sure, at the time I loved him and I did think he might be the man for me, but I wasn't about to toss everything I have out the window for him. I'm not a gambling woman, I have to be sure about someone first. I'd known him for 6 months, but I'd spent less than one month total in the same country with the man! (And that was more than enough to find out he wasn't the man for me!)
When I started to laugh he started to cry and he told me how much he loves me. I hung up.
It used to be when he cried I'd feel bad. I'd forgive him. I'd think of how awful I would feel in his place. I'd apologize for yelling at him, for getting mad at him, for being mean, for wanting to kick him out of my house and never see him again.
Well I'm tired about thinking of his feelings. Instead I'm going to focus on mine. I don't want to talk to him so when he calls, I'm not going to answer. Or, like this last Saturday (he threw me off, not calling on Sunday) when I pick up the phone at the same time I see his number, I'm going to hang up. And I'm going to stop feeling bad about it. Our relationship was the most messed up relationship I've ever been in. Thank Heavens it is OVER. I just wish he would realize it! I have the feeling that if he did live in the same country as I do he would be camped out on my lawn. And then I would have to kick his ass. And then I would loose my job and be very sad.
I don't know why he doesn't move on.
It's funny, but I used to think that women who had stalkers had somehow overlooked the large, obvious warning signs. The clues that the man had the capacity to be a stalker. Did I overlook something? Did I bring this on myself somehow? Have I not been clear enough? How have I not managed to squash all of his hope? I have told him it's over, we'll never get back together, I've moved on with my life, etc. Why does he still pester me? What can I do in the future to safeguard myself from men who seem normal, but then turn out to be unable to let go? I will never again wonder what the woman with the stalker did wrong. I didn't know men could be like this. I wish I'd have known what to look out for, but maybe there wasn't anything.
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10 comments:
Oh no sweetheart! This is just awful!
First off, he’s obviously not willing to accept defeat. He sure has moxee! Nevermind the fact his unhealthy obsession passed ‘flattering’ a long time ago! You are quite the catch and deserving of someone who will stand beside you – not beg and cry and throw a temper tantrum until you hold them up.
Is there any reason at all when he would have a legitimate reason to contact you? If not, call your cell provider and ask them to block his number. No sense on your working on an ulcer every time you see his number flash across your caller id. I’d try to find the humor in it, because it’s almost funny. I just can’t bring myself to poke fun at a person who is obviously hurting. Not that it’s your fault – because it’s not. He is just a whiny baby booger head!
Thank Heavens you were smart enough to get out early. Good girl!!
I am soooo glad there is an ocean between you and that crazy! Blocking his number sounds good...and I'm glad you're living someplace where there is some security.
phew!
How worse it would have been if you'd married him and THEN discovered what he is really like!
Unfortunately, I don't believe that your carrier blocks numbers; you might have to change it completely.
With stalkers, there really aren't any signs, not in my experience. They come from all backgrounds. And you don't know their stalking potential until they find out they can't have you. DO NOT GIVE IN!!!
I've had a couple stalkers myself, and really, the only way to get rid of them is to be rude. Don't give them any information, delete their emails and text messages, don't answer the phone. If and when you get tired of the whole mess, change your number. Cuz I guarantee if he can't call you from one number, he's going to call you from another one. Thank goodness you're in another country than he is!!!
Talk to your carrier - my phone actually has the option to block numbers.
Unfortunately, men who turn out to be stalkers seem "normal" while you are dating them. It is only after a breakup that the true self is revealed.
Hang in there and let me know if you want me to kick his *ss for you!! I would do it!
You're all so sweet. USAincognito, I'll keep you in mind if he does show up on my doorstep.
First of all, and take advice from a girl who knows what it's like to be stalked, you just absolutely CANNOT respond in any way to his advances. Don't even answer the phone to tell him not to call you. That is what he wants. You justify his behavior, even if it's with punishment. Ignore, ignore, ignore!
Secondly, and I mean this in the nicest way possible... Sometimes, it can be refreshing to "crush them." From the get-go. Then, they pretty much leave you alone. It sounds harsh, but next time you break up with someone, give it a go! Men do it all the time. I sound totally evil, don't I?
I love men, but can I just say that when I am done with one, I don't want to have to hear his whiny voice or see his sad little face with the puppy-dog eyes anymore. Sometimes, "crushing" is all you've got on your side.
Cheers!
Liz
Please report this to the police. Make sure they understand that it's not acceptable, and that you won't rest until they do something! You're a strong woman, make your voice heard!
Liz,
You know I got your back! We fellow officers (and women) gotta stick together! :)
I agree with the others, change your number, and ignore him. If he can't reach you, he can't irritate you.
You may also need to change your email...or there may be a way to block his email...I'm just not technical enough to know how to do that.
I'd be cautious about contacting the police unless you truly feel threatened. Given his location and your level of training I don't really think you're in any danger. Do write down this experience, and document the number of calls, emails, etc. you received before you change your number and put it somewhere safe, just in case you ever need to prove that he did stalk you.
Good luck girl!
Perhaps I was heavy handed in the use of the word "stalker." "Harasser" might be a better word in this situation. A stalker would have to actually follow me around, show up in my nieghborhood, peep in my windows, leave notes on my car, etc. I don't feel threatened at all by him, just harassed.
Got Bombshell is right, I should have crushed him from the start. By letting him down "nicely" I only prolonged his (and my) suffering. Since March I have been mean, but he's got this thing where he only hears what he wants to. He actually told me that an email I sent him "wasn't very nice." I know he wanted me to apologize for it, instead I told him I meant, and still mean, every word of it.
You are all right in saying that I should ignore him. It seems that even negative attention from me is preferable to none.
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